Hilarious Headlines from The Onion

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“Fat Kid Took Two”

 

“The Internet Went Down For Three Hours This Morning, Plunging The Nation Into Productivity”

 

"Ted Cruz’s Wife Shudders After Noticing 
Twin Beds Pushed Together"

 

“Man Doesn’t Need To Have Fun To Drink”

 

“Breakup Rescheduled To End Of Lease”

 

Video: "New Wearable Feedbags
Let Americans Eat More, Move Less


 

“Office Smelled Like Fire For 3 Hopeful Seconds”

 

“Novel Dedicated To Parents 
As If That Could Begin To Make Amends” 

 

“Congress Takes Group of Schoolchildren Hostage”

 

Video: "New Facebook Feature Scans Profile
To Pinpoint Exactly When Things Went Wrong"


“Planned Parenthood Opens $8 Billion Abortionplex”

 

“Wife Lovingly Preparing Meal With Knife
That Will One Day Be State’s Exhibit A”

 

“Shirtless Biden Washes Trans Am In White House Driveway”

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“Study Finds Every Style of Parenting
Produces Disturbed, Miserable Adults”

Louis C.K. Goes Native

Louis C.K. goes native fizzdom.com comedy funny native americans god advantages white man

• Veteran comedy writer, stand-up, actor, producer Louis C.K. was born in Washington DC on September 12,1967 to an Irish-Catholic-American mother and Jewish Hungarian-Mexican father.

• He lived in Mexico until he was seven, then moved to Boston with his family and learned English. 

 • His father is an economics graduate from Harvard, his mother was a Phi Beta Kappa, his grandfather a surgeon, and his uncle served as Mexico's Deputy Minister of Environment. (bio info: Wikipedia)

• Below: Hilarious bit about Americans' checkered past and a chat with God.

• Below: Fascinating 90-second time-lapse of American seizure of indigenous land, 1776-1887, when the U.S. seized over 1.5 billion acres, an eighth of the world, from America’s indigenous people by treaty and executive order. A classic unfriendly takeover. 

• “The fact that his mother had only ’bad’ TV shows to view upon returning home from work inspired him to work on television. ‘I remember thinking in fifth grade, I have to get inside that box and make this shit better. Because she deserves this. It made me mad that the shows were so bad.’"

 

God, Jane Wagner and Lily Tomlin

fizzdom.com god and lily tomlin jane wagner praying schizophrenic phone operator laugh-in gif comedy

• During their collaborations over 40+ years, Jane Wagner has written much of comedian / writer / performer / activist / wife Lily Tomlin's material. (see short bios at end of this post)

• Below: Odds and ends about religion and belief systems:

• "Believe" — by Laura Kimpton and Jeff Schomberg at Burning Man. Photo below by Peggy Mekemson.

• “Religion is like a pair of shoes … Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.” — George Carlin

• “If a person is gay and seeks the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?”  — Pope Francis

Jon Stewart quote Religion It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

• "Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.” — Napoleon

• “I call him religious who understands the suffering of others.” — Mahatma Gandhi 

• “I think of religions as franchise operations. Like chicken franchise operations. But that doesn't mean there's no chicken, right?” — William Gibson

• “Mentioning Jesus in your speech: Small government. Doing what Jesus asked: Big government.” — Stephen Colbert 

pastifarian john castillo flying spaghetti monster

• Above: Successfully testing the limits of government tolerance of religious options, "Pastafarian" Eddie Castillo became the first disciple of the Flying Spaghetti Monster to have an official DMV photo with spaghetti-strainer headgear. 

• Below: Departing from religion and on to the versatile Lily Tomlin as the very funny Ernestine-from-Ma-Bell in this video from Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In. Edgier corporate satire than you might imagine for the late '60s, especially about the "omnipotent" phone company and sending out mean drunks!

• "Jane Wagner (b. 2.26.35) is an American writer, director and producer ... best known as Lily Tomlin's comedy writer, collaborator and wife (they married in 2013) ... author of The Search for Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe, The Incredible Shrinking Woman and other Tomlin vehicles … won the Peabody Award ... helped develop the (Tomlin's) Laugh-In character Edith Ann.” (Wikipedia)

• "Lily Tomlin (b. 9.1.39) is an American actress, comedian, writer, and producer ... a major force in American comedy since the late 1960s, when she began a career as a stand-up comedian and became a featured performer on television's Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In ... She has starred in such films as Nashville, 9 to 5, All of Me, The Beverly Hillbillies, Orange County, and I Heart Huckabees."

• Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you died, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck." George Carlin